Why is this so hard to do????

I have been putting off writing on this blog....I feel so vulnerable, exposed, and I don't understand why it bothers me so....

My intention was to give myself some accountability....

Millions of people suffer with weight issues, I am no different from them...I am embarrassed, and ashamed that I am one of them...I hate that I can't just be a normal weight....I have to work at losing weight, and that pisses me the f*uck off..... I have hypothyroidism, and that is irritating too. I feel like it is going to be such a hard battle. I know, I know, positive thinking right.....I am just having an off day, got my stupid period and I'm hungry.....

The Perfect Diaster

My life was not going as I had planned, I was miserable and fat...I only had enough energy to take care of my babies and give them the life they deserved, I made the decision to leave their father after several years of abuse.  It was hard, very hard, and I cried a lot and I ate whatever I wanted and I did no exercise. I was in survival mode, living a depressed life and barely making ends meet. I was working the graveyard shift so I could have a family member sleep at my house with the kids, and would be there during the day while they were awake.....I felt like a zombie... a fat zombie... I was hovering around 200 lbs at the time, and I stayed that way for a few years.....By this time the kids were growing older and I could finally see some light at the end of the tunnel.....

My Very Own Blog....

So, this is me trying to hold myself accountable for the way I have let myself get to 260 lbs.....Looks so awful to see that # staring at me....

I wasn't always fat.....I was actually thin until I got pregnant with my daughter when I was 20, I weighed 125 lbs and ate my way to 180lbs...I ignored the rules of healthy eating habits and regular exercise to keep my weight down.  I was young and thought it couldn't happen to me, boy, was I wrong!

I lost some of the weight, I went down to 160 lbs, then was pregnant with my second baby, and tried not to eat too much, but certainly didn't hold back either. gave birth and weighed in at 180 lbs again.... six weeks later and only losing about 20 lbs, I got pregnant again....yes, again! Now, I was starting to feel "fat", my body was not able to recover, and I just felt "tired".... This is when I started to have depression, I was in way over my head and I just did not have the coping skills to deal with three babies and myself and well, I am not ready to get into that right now....Let's just say it was a difficult marriage..... I tried to lose weight after having three babies, I went to the gym regularly, it was right around the corner and I took all three of them with me, they had a childcare in the facility....I was trying, but I was not seeing any results, I could not understand how I could not be losing anything....so frustrating.... I was strong, I had endurance, I was just not losing the weight...

I let my depression rule my life and I was feeling sorry for myself....failing marriage, three babies, low self-esteem, sounds like a perfect cocktail for disaster......